Real Parenting

8 Mandatory Lessons Young Children Need To Learn Now.

Or not.

Parents have a way of getting their undies in a bunch over what kids should know and at what ages. For instance, some mothers feel like kids this age should know their letters and numbers. Others say kids should learn about themselves by playing in mud, splashing in puddles, and know they’re secure.

Quite frankly, all of thats hubris. A child’s education requires a certain pragmatism. It requires skills they can use immediately. It requires instilling a sense of awareness and perspective for sound decision making. You know, know how to zip your fly, keep your fingers away from cracks, and when you pee, pee with the wind.

Take Direction

Young kids should understand how to accept direction. When bedtime rolls around, any rolling should be into pajamas, followed by brushing their teeth, reading a story, and then lights out.

Any requests for water after the room goes dark will be denied. If they don’t like it, they can learn to call their Congressman.

The principle of “sleeping in” falls into this category. Little ones wake up at 6:30 on Sundays and demand pancakes. Parents understand children are hungry at that hour. However, these tykes should know that, at that hour, mommy’s pancakes are toxic. Make it clear the kitchen opens at 9, and pancakes taste best after mom’s third cup of coffee.

Emotions are overrated

And children should learn emotions are overrated. Learn to ignore their parent’s anxieties and judgments. They should learn letters and numbers but reject pressures to meet expectations as if kids are Ph.D. candidates. Mothers and fathers shouldn’t freak because Timmy can’t write a d. They should relax. Let’s teach Timmy “d” is for dinosaurs, not disappointment.

Societies unspoken understandings

We cannot go without economics, common culture, and sports. Elementary chums should know that, at $3.59 a gallon, you cry over spilled milk. Teens should know Bad Bunny is bad and he’s no bunny. Furthermore, don’t forget to always plan large gatherings outdoors and keep folks 6 feet apart. Also, plan your family gatherings around the NFL, not the other way around.

A preschooler’s education requires a certain pragmatism. It requires skills they can use immediately. It requires instilling a sense of awareness and perspective for sound decision making.

Preschoolers should know some things will never be important — things like Uruguay, celebrity clickbait, and the New York Jets.

Teach fifth graders to never negotiate with terrorists, never use a stall in a movie theater (boys only), and YouTube makes everything look dumb.

Competition matters

First graders should know trophies are for winners. Kids who get the merch demonstrate competitiveness and will do anything to win. They get the only way is through. They understand it takes what it takes.

Final thoughts

Second graders should understand toys that rattle are annoying, and meals aren’t the time for dancing around and being silly. They can do all that during screen time. (And since you’re up, go flush the toilet your 9 year old brother failed to. So teach kids that too!)

Toilet flushing tutorial below:

Preschoolers can get a jump on more than bouncy houses. Teach them everyone masterbates, international relations, and how to change a tire.

If your kid can take this shit into the world, who knows? Maybe they’ll be president.

For other works by Anthony C. Fireman, click here.

Published in The Boston Globe Magazine; Trying to figure it all out by expressing ideas, fears, hopes, and dreams; I have a dog, a very influential dog. Very.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store